Well, Fuck You Too, Body

My body did it. It found a way to make me hate it even more. Following me, you’ll have heard mention of vaginal and vulvar pain I experience with intercourse. Despite the pain, I’m a fighter, so I kept putting things in me. I’ll persist, though ill-advised (according to myself), especially when I’m here advocating for sexual health and wellness.

The Fuck? Labia Can Fuse??

After a year of waiting for a gynecologist, I got in with a male doctor (though I was not happy with that then). Pants and panties off, socks on, and feet in stirrups, the gyno exclaimed, “You’ve got vulvar fusion. Did you know that?”

No, sir, I did not. Upon further investigation, he told me that I had a vulvar autoimmune condition that was causing fissures and pain. It was advanced, so he was surprised I hadn’t yet addressed the symptoms. I’d had an open wound for eight months before I saw him and years of painful intercourse. Being me, I was annoyed, but I got used to it. I was so used to the pain and discomfort that I waited over a year to be seen for it.

My Vulvar Autoimmune Disease

To diagnose what kind of vulvar autoimmune disorder I have, we’d need a biopsy, which the doctor did not want to do. He said it’s not cancerous, and treatment is the same for all the conditions, so for now, it doesn’t have a name beyond “vulvar fusion and autoimmune disease.” If it does not get better with treatment, then maintain that “better,” we will take a biopsy for the official type of vulvar autoimmune disease.

This diagnosis turned my life upside down, that’s for sure. I told him about this blog, how I write about sex, and how I review sex toys, and he told me it’s time to consider a new line of work. It crushed me to hear that. I’ve been writing about sex and reviewing sex toys for ELEVEN years now, and my blog means the world to me. 

Oh, Goodie, My Vagina Hasn’t Closed Up Yet!

Fortunately, the doctor did not see vaginal scarring, which will eventually happen if the autoimmune disease remains untreated. The scarring and fusion of my labia minora and clitoris hood can close my nethers up. That is devastating and scary af. I’m not there yet, but the doctor said he’s concerned I won’t follow my life-long treatment plan because I already wasn’t using the cream my PCP gave me. 

This, ladies and gentlemen, I am determined to prove that fear false. My genitals are too important to me. I’m already in pelvic floor therapy that I never attended, but the prospect of closing up shop was devastating. The diagnosis treatment presentation has reaffirmed how important it is for me to continue daily treatment. The vulva is delicate, at least mine is, and I have to care for it to prevent my vagina from closing up.

Starting Treatment for Vulvar Autoimmune Disease

I’m on a daily cream, twice a day, that I rub over my genitals. Although the doctor told me to use a small amount, I use an excellent ol’ dollop of that vag cream because I have so much pubic hair. 

Hairy Pussy and Vulvar Autoimmune Disease

That’s another thing. When I asked, the doctor advised against grooming. He said, ideally, I’d do nothing more than trim, so guys, I have a bush for you! It’s quite a relief. I enjoy the final result of getting a bikini wax (not so much the experience), but natural is a lot more comfortable. 

In addition to daily grooming changes, my doctor told me to get a bidet. You know, the thing that washes your cunt and ass off and then dries it after you take a shit. No more toilet paper for this gal! And if I must use it, gentle blotting is best.

Crisco, I Kid You, Not

Additionally, I’m to keep my vulva nice and protected, so he’s instructed me to put vegetable oil on my vulva or vaseline and make sure I have that on if I have to wipe. He specified, “Crisco.”

Plus, I get a new wardrobe. I’m to sleep without underwear and wear no panties and loose pants as much as possible. I wear almost exclusively leggings, so I have to get more appropriate pants for my vulva. 

The real kicker is that I can’t jerk it for the next few weeks. I can’t put sex toys or (non-existent) dicks inside my vagina, nor can I mess with the outside, given the fissures. Quite frankly, with the internal and external pain, I don’t especially want to fuck myself or fuck anyone else. 

Dilators

Dilators and pelvic floor therapy are critical. To make sure my vaginal opening doesn’t get smaller, in a week (when I can have penetration again), I’ll be utilizing dilators. Fortunately, I have many to choose from.

Do I Have to Stop Reviewing??

Although the gyno told me it may be time for a career change, I’m not giving up that easily. With the cream treating the fissures, the vegetable oil protecting my vulva, pelvic floor therapy, and dilators, I can work with that. 

As my clitoral hood is fusing, it’s much more sensitive because my clit is more exposed. I can use external toys with a LOT OF LUBE when the fissures have healed. Hopefully, I’ll be able to incorporate internal toys again, g-spotting and a-spotting toys being my favorite. 

My body will take a break for the next month or so, but while I treat my body gently, I’ve recruited two amazing friends who will be using the toys and reporting back to me. I’ll create a review from their notes and conversations with them. The content will keep coming. 

I’ve also amassed years of notes and neglected many toys, so I’ll write and post reviews of those toys. You’ll find in future reviews I’m using larger toys. That was the old me who happened to take fantastic notes, fantastic enough that I can still write a review seven years later. s

Moving forward, friends will be helping with reviews, and I’ll request toys that will be gentler on my body. No Fairytree dicks for the moment. I hope with pelvic floor therapy, my vagina will be able to accommodate penetration. When I’m ready, I will explore thinner toys instead of the sex toys that stuff me like a turkey.

I Wouldn’t Leave Unless I Had To

What my gynecologist does not know is my passion for this blog. The most exciting part of reviewing sex toys for me is the writing that comes after it. I’m here for the writing and sex education, not the toys or an excellent old time that would now leave me in pain. 

I will stop forcing toys into my body. I shouldn’t have been doing that for so long with the pain I experienced. However, now that I know what is wrong, I can fix it. Oh, and did I mention I was also diagnosed with vaginismus on top of this autoimmune disorder? That’s for another article. 

The Show Will Go On

In the meantime, I’ll keep pushing out reviews and educational articles for all of you. We’ll explore my vaginismus and vulvar autoimmune and vulvar fusion here. It’s most common among young girls and menopausal women. I’m 32 years old. Unusually, this would be happening to me now, but it is, and I have to learn to deal with it.

Damnit.

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