Why You Can’t Cum

Anorgasmia is delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms — or significantly less intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. It sounds as sucky as it feels. I’ve been through several periods in my life where an orgasm wasn’t an option. I wrote a post about it on my blog in 2015 when I was a fresh sex toy reviewer (or, as the Alliance of Independent Sex Toy Testers says, a sex toy tester). 

Now, I want to discuss why this may happen to YOU and what you can do about it. I want to assure you this doesn’t mean you can’t have a sex life, and, no, you don’t have to be a sex toy reviewer to come through the other side in one piece. It just means some things will change but it doesn’t have to be as traumatic as it was for me at times. I didn’t understand, at the time, that anorgasmia, chemical-induced or otherwise, doesn’t mean I cannot have sex.

I have a friend currently going through that, and I hope she realizes that there are other outlets and that it’s okay to sexually please your partner even if you don’t get as much out of it sexually as they do. One of the plus-sides of having all these toys from being a sex toy reviewer is that I have toys to gift friends who are going through this shit.

Reasons for Anorgasmia

I remember trying so hard to reach orgasm with my boyfriend, but it just wasn’t working. I can’t remember if he finished, but I was walking around my complex the next thing I knew, crying and calling a friend. I NOPED out of that play session and left him behind in my house. I was distraught. I honestly thought this was the end of my sex life. Fortunately, I tend to catastrophize, and I was wrong! Becoming a sex toy reviewer was a godsend.

Medication

In my case, the first time I experienced anorgasmia, it was medically induced; the second time, however, it was psychological.

When I was a young adult, I was put on Prozac. This was before I was a sex toy reviewer. I was with a steady boyfriend of a year or two when I started taking that SSRI. Before then, I had only had the occasional issue reaching orgasm, and it was almost always because of stress. Starting Prozac, however, made me lose that ability to come on command, to reach sexual pleasure at all. 

There are plenty of reasons beyond medications why one may not be able to cum. In the case of my ex-wife, she experienced anorgasmia because of both the hormones she was taking and her body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia is a bitch, and I saw my ex-wife struggle. I did my best to understand, but when you’re not the one going through it, it can be hard not to take it personally. I can only imagine how debilitating it is for those whose sex does not match their gender. We found different ways to enjoy ourselves; there is hope. 

Trauma-Induced Anorgasmia

Besides various times of stress, anxiety, mania, and depression, I experienced a new trauma: I was raped. That trauma induced anorgasmia once again. Touching my body felt disgusting, and all I could think about was him inside me.

Meds aside, depression alone can inhibit a person’s sex drive and their ability to orgasm. Sexual trauma is another reason, and it was what I was most recently dealing with. Having babies, going through a divorce, and other physical and emotional health issues can wear on a person’s ability to reach orgasm. 

Years later, it would happen again. This time, I didn’t know why. In hindsight, it may have been a new birth control pill or medication. Or, it simply may have just happened. AFAB bodies are CONSTANTLY changing, and that affects our sex drive. 

What Can You Do When You’re Not a Sex Toy Reviewer? 

First and foremost, be kind to yourself! My body and mind felt broken, with both medication and trauma, and I hated myself for it. However, there were things I learned about my body, and sex toys made it more fun for me when I couldn’t cum.

In the case of my ex-partner and I, we incorporated sex toys into our lovemaking and fucking. Most of the time, I got to be a pillow princess, having been allowed not to reciprocate. It is perfect for me and less traumatic for her. She clarified that she was still enjoying herself, and I believed her. Sex toys were the leading players in our love life, and I was able to use them solo and together. 

When I had Prozac anorgasmia, I stopped wanting to be sexual with my boyfriend at the time. I couldn’t  cum, and that was upsetting. I tried to avoid it altogether but wanted him to be fulfilled. Eventually, without decreasing the dose or even getting rid of Prozac entirely, my ability to orgasm came back. I don’t know why or how that happened, but for that, I was grateful. 

Get Creative – I Became a Sex Toy Reviewer

It Almost Ruined Blogging

When I was stricken with anorgasmia in 2015, I was an active sex toy reviewer. I had to email my affiliates who had given me toys and explain that I couldn’t do it. Everyone was understanding, but here’s the thing: I realized I don’t have to cum to enjoy myself; I don’t have to cum to review a toy accurately. I now choose not to reach orgasm the majority of the time. I review toys so that I’m in the right mind and can focus on the sensations and put them into words. 

That was a game changer for me as a reviewer and for me as a FWB. While not every partner was understanding when I told them I couldn’t cum, I tried to assure them that I was still enjoying myself. And I was. I was having the time of my life without the pressure of reaching orgasm.

Enter Sex Toys and Being a Sex Toy Reviewer to Save the Day!

I found that toys were an essential part of sex play for me as a sex toy reviewer, with and without another person involved, and during that journey, I found that I had quite a few favorite sex toys. Even when I couldn’t cum, sex toys often made the other person more comfortable with their FWB not reaching orgasm when they could. Keeping shit interesting and unexpected heightened the excitement. 

By not being able to cum during sex or masturbation, I’m able to be more in tune with my body. I’m able to practice mindful masturbation, and that’s a whole other ballpark. I’ve turned sex toys into my sex life. Every few sessions, I have a new toy and exciting instrument to connect with my body and mind. In addition, it’s made practicing sex magick easier.

Each new toy is different (hopefully) from the one before it. Other functions, designs, colors, and ways to use the toys exist. Exploring my body with each new toy was a thrill. I’d learn new things about myself and discover new sensations I wasn’t aware of until that toy hit the spot.

It’s by being a sex toy reviewer that I have a sex life all for myself.

I get to review new toy after new toy, and it keeps masturbation exciting. I don’t have partners now, and when I did, I was in a loveless monogamous marriage, so the only thing that’s changed is me and my comfort level with myself. 

Guess Who Hasn’t Fucked in Years

I haven’t had sex in years, and the last play session I had was with a married friend (and it was an awful experience), so I don’t know how I’ll do with a partner. I was with my ex-wife shortly after experiencing sexual trauma and became comfortable with her. My next partnered sex will be a crapshoot. I have no idea what to expect. Mostly, I know to expect a good time with myself.

When the day comes that I’ll have a partner (and I have my eye on a gorgeous married woman and her cute husband), I know how to keep myself entertained, how to please my partners, and how to just fucking have sex and build that bond with another person or people. I don’t need to cum to enjoy myself (though I often prefer it), and as long as my partner is receptive to that, things can go swimmingly. 

When It Happens to Your Partner (and You Aren’t a Sex Toy Reviewer)

If my partner doesn’t cum, I know not to take it personally. I understand why anorgasmia happens, and I can appreciate how it affects people differently. F r now, I can cum alone. I’ve continued to incorporate sex toys in my solo sex life, and that gives me a thrill like no other. L likewise, sharing my body-safe toys with friends makes me feel fulfilled. I m doing the Lord’s work when I help people cum, or just enjoy themselves and assure them that they aren’t broken. 

I was convinced I was broken for a long while. I’ve learned that my body and mind change, and so does my level of arousal, and sometimes I want to use a toy and write about it. If your partner isn’t receptive to the anorgasmia you’re experiencing, maybe they’re not the right person. When that partner(s) knows that you’re still enjoying yourself. A FWB of mine told me that my not cumming was too much “like a relationship” in the sense that in a relationship, it’s okay not to cum because you have that intimacy. That is not the case. People can cum, or not and still be having fun. 

I hope you figure out how to manage your body, like I have with mine. S x toys are essential in my life, and the more varieties you try (like air-pulse technology toys, thrusting or pulsating toys, and butt stuff) you’ll find more ways to enjoy yourself. Sex toys take me out of my head and into my body when I’m suffering and allow me to have a healthy sex life with myself. Being a sex toy reviewer saved my sex life, and at the time, I didn’t even know it.

Stay tuned for a post on how to become a sex toy reviewer. Also, you can stay updated with the latest sex toy product reviews by subscribing to email notifications from my blog.

Stay safe, and Go Fuck Yourself.

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