Can we all just take a moment to admire my ass? Garters are my favorite type of lingerie, they’re always sexy and the most sexy-time fun I’ve had was when I was wearing garters. We don’t see them often enough, well, we don’t see them as often as I’d like. That’s why I was thrilled when Lovehoney offered me the Lovehoney Crotchless Lace Thong with Removable Suspender Straps (try saying that ten times fast) to review. I have a phat ass (look how hip I am, using the words that the young people use) and the garter panties make it look even hotter. To get the suspenders over my phat ass I had to loosen the back ones as loose as they’d go. Even then the stockings were riding disproportionally high in the back, though I don’t doubt that the M/L would have been far to big for me. Unfortunately, they didn’t only make the stockings ride up in the back, they also pulled the panties down with them.

Something to note: these panties are crotchless. My ex partner and his girlfriend took these photos of me at his place for this review. Even though he’s seen everything, and I mean everything, I was still a bit self conscious coming out and spreading my legs for them. The lack-of-crotch highlights the fleshy parts of the labia, leaving it all out in the open, ready for a good self/fucking. The perk of the panties being crotchless is that there’s no sloppy rush to get the panties off while unsnapping of the garter, sliding down on the panties, and snapping the garter clips right back onto the stockings.

It’s cute, right? But unfortunately, the pink bows aren’t sewn on very well. In the process of getting ready for the photoshoot, the pink bow came off in my mom’s hand (yes, my mother still dresses me). Our hands kept sliding instead of the fastener. For the most part it was difficult to attack attach the clips to the stockings. For one thing: they were nearly impossible to “snap” (for lack of a better word) through the stockings.  When we did have some success they ended up being false alarms.

But, hey, these panties are hot. You don’t have to worry about a garter belt; you don’t have to unsnap the garter bit, unfasten the clips and pull down the panties, then put the garter snaps back on. It’s been done for you. The crotchless part, er, the part about the not-part, is that it is so convenient. I’ve had lots of partner sex, not quite as much as I have been fucking myself, but it both instances the last thing I want to worry about is undressing then re-dressing, I want to focus on being sexy.

These panties come in sizes SM/M that fit pant sizes 6-8 or M/L. As for the Lovehoney Sheer Thigh High Stockings: They’re, you know, stockings. Nothing fancy about them. There are what I can only describe as three “layers” to the stockings. The sheerest part of them is the bulk of the stocking while the top two sections get thicker, respectively. The top of the stocking has a  slightly elastic feeling–as opposed to the stretchiness of the body of the stocking–but that isn’t enough to keep the stocking up on its own. Nor is that necessary, after all, that’s what this thong is for. The stockings are the thong’s perfect playmate.

EDIT: The Lovehoney “epic return policy” has changed.

Lovehoney has an epic return policy in case something goes wrong–like the pink bow falling off– but my concern is that it wasn’t well constructed to begin with so chances are this could happen to you. Honestly, though, I’m lazy. It’s easily fixed with a few loops of the thread and a good double knot and losing a bow did not render the panties unusable.

If you think the benefits (easy fucking, looking sexy, stockings not slipping down) outweigh the con (it falling a little bit apart) then you can get them by clicking on the banner below. Lovehoney, it was my pleasure 😉